Un-Amazing Grace

The past year has been filled with mottos and mantras that we've heard many times since the start of the pandemic. One that I heard often in the mom circles is "Remember to give yourself Grace". 

While quite lovely sounding, I could never take it seriously. What does that even mean? What is grace, and how do you give it to yourself? It turns out, the definition of grace is, in my opinion, kind of lame.

    There's the Christian definition: The unmerited favor of God;

    The legal definition: A mercy or pardon or temporary exemption;

    And an everyday definition: An act or instance of kindness or clemency.

I doubt any of these definitions are what is meant when someone suggests extending grace to one's self. They're hardly descriptions that inspire me to change my behavior. Also, it seems that grace is something that must be bestowed upon you from someone else - something that, by definition, you can't give to yourself. At best, this word denotes an optional action, something to be offered every once in a while, perhaps on special occasions or when remembered.

In my opinion, it would be better to exhort moms - or really everyone - to be KIND to themselves. This sounds less poetic, but let's look at the definition of kind:

    of good or benevolent nature or disposition;

    considerate, or helpful; humane (often followed by to).

Unlike grace, kindness is easier to visualize in action. It does not necessitate some authority figure or entity to bestow it. In fact, its very definition suggests that kindness is every human holds claim to, which means that all people can and should be kind. If I am a person, I should both receive kindness from all humans and be kind to all humans (self included).

Now, if someone told you "Be humane to yourself", you'd probably cringe at the inference that you were treating yourself inhumanely - though as a mom this may be closer to the the truth than we'd like to admit. For the argument's sake I'll put myself on blast.  

Oh how do I abuse thee? Let me count the ways:

1. Failing to acknowledge or celebrate accomplishments
2. Minimizing time for relationships and belonging
3. Denying of adequate rest
4. Sexual deprivation
5. Withholding of adequate water
6. Denial of adequate sleep

This quick list highlights neglect in 3 different categories of Maslow's Hierarchy of Human needs. So yeah, fairly inhumane. And when I think of it that way, it seems much more imperative to cut that crap out!

So, instead of gently reminding you to "give yourself grace", I'm gonna loving admonish "be kind and HUMANE to yourself!" You can feel free to shout that back at me every now and then.

**By the way, According to Maslow, only when the four foundational levels of Deficiency needs are reasonably met can a person even begin to pursue (or be motivated to pursue) their growth needs-i.e. Self Actualization: the desire to become the most that one can be. So, whenever you start to get down on yourself for not achieving more or being better in one way or another, step back and ask whether the 4 preceding categories of needs are being met in your life. I'll leave it at that.

💜 -R